“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes… I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” – Virginia Satir
Saturday, April 28, 2012
I've officially survived yet another week of Hell (also known as Bikram Yoga Teacher Training) - week two, to be exact. I was hoping my attitude would be better at this point, but unfortunately I am as irritable as ever. While I've most certainly made up my mind to stay and finish this out, I still can't quite find any satisfaction here (maybe that will come with time?). Yes, I've made some pretty awesome friends, which helps, but still...
Here's a recap of this past week :
We finished the dialogue for Half Moon Pose, thank god! Yes, I had to listen to Half Moon be delivered 417 times and it was exhausting. We also watched a few Bollywood films, which kept us up until 2-3a in the morning. I'm running on very little sleep and spending most of my days engrossed in Bikram Yoga. My emotions continue to change by the second - sometimes I feel numb by my surroundings, other times I realize what's going on and immediately look for the nearest exit. I find myself angry at my friends who came to training before me - why didn't they warn me?! I know, I know. I am boring you all with my negativity. Hang tight, folks. I'll do my best to end this post on a positive note...
My main focus this week has been on channeling that 'inner filter' we all have that allows us to maintain inner peace. Essentially, my goal here is to try my hardest to not allow anyone - not even Bikram himself - to steal my peace. Easier said than done, right? Right.
I miss home so very much. I have a visitor coming to see me in L.A. in four weeks and I simply cannot wait! Although four weeks is not really that long, it seems like an eternity right now, but at least it's something to look forward to!
Physically, I feel fine. My body is strong and I know that. Mental and emotional strength is what I lack, and it just so happens that those are the two things tested the most here at training...
My classes this week (I did 12 classes this week total) have directly reflected my emotions, for the most part - some are great, others are horrendous. Well, actually, most of my classes here are horrendous, let's be clear. Each class is its own - sometimes I head directly for the door after class, gasping for air; other times I lay on my mat and let emotions flood out - tears, laughter, etc. With that being said, I am actually doing pretty well with not attaching myself to my classes too much. Back home, I am a perfectionist in every way - if I have a bad class, I usually take it personally. However, I am so exhausted here that I simply don't have the energy to think too much about each class. I just do what I can for that day and then put it away. Simple as that.
My most favorite time of the day here is our break in between morning class and morning lecture. It's during that time that I drink my cup of coffee, listen to my music, and do my daily inspirational reading - it's quite simplistic and calm, which is exactly what I need here.
We've had many lectures on Bikram Yoga and its success. Many people say its success is due to the fact that it's so simple - you simply follow the dialogue and do your yoga, not anyone else's. I have really been trying to focus on that word - simple - and carry it forward into other aspects of this training, because in all honesty, nothing about BY teacher training is simple (ironic? yes, but that's a whole other blog post!). My focus here is on two things : the yoga and myself - nothing else, nothing at all. I do not put too much stock into anything else.
Okay, here's that positive note you've all been waiting for... I am incredibly proud of myself for being here. Yes, perhaps I am 'tooting my horn' a little bit, but hey, if I don't, who will? This place is full of obstacles. You can easily lose yourself in the day-to-day craziness that surrounds us, but I've stayed the course and remained strong. I am still breathing, thinking, talking, learning, and most importantly, believing... believing in the healing power of yoga and the healing power that lies within myself.
I'll leave you with a quote that seems fitting at this current point in my life - yes, it's a long one, but read it - it's worth it...