Wow. Week three. Folks told me that week three would be hardest week, emotionally speaking, and boy were they spot on! Emotions were running high for everyone this past week, myself included. Week three at TT is kind of like mile 14-15 of a marathon - you've run so far, yet you still have so far to go. It's overwhelming and so you break down. I've experienced every emotion you can think of this past week - anger, sadness, happiness, anxiousness, confusion, etc. Just yesterday I sat in the lobby before class and cried like an infant, in front of 400 plus yogis, mind you. I didn't care. I needed to cry, so I did. When I was finished acting like a six-week-old newborn, I got up, put my stuff on the table, walked into the yoga room and took class. End of story. And you know what? If you had asked me why I was crying, my response would have been "I don't know", because that's just it - I simply did not know, and still don't know, why I felt like sobbing. What I do know, though, is that holding it in wasn't an option.
Bikram has been gone this week - thank you, Jesus. With boss man being gone, we actually get six-seven hours of sleep per night - yippie! We also started posture clinics this week, along with anatomy classes. Posture clinics are really more like dialogue clinics. We are broken down into small groups (about 40 people per group) and we each deliver the dialogue in front of our group for each posture. I delivered dialogue for Backward Bending, Hands-to-Feet Pose, Awkward Pose, and Eagle Pose this week and did pretty well. I missed a few words here and there, but nothing major.
My yoga classes have been extremely strong this past week, surprisingly (with the exception of today - my knees felt like they were going to snap in half this morning!). I've been able to set up towards the front of the room, so I can actually see myself in the mirror, which allows me to focus a little more accurately on my postures.
I've found that the yoga room has started to feel like my 'safe place' here at training. During week one, a teacher told us this would happen and, as usual, I laughed and rolled my eyes at her. I couldn't imagine thinking of that miserably hot room as a safe haven. I figured I'd become so incredibly sick of that room after a few weeks, but as much as it pains me to admit this - she was right. Training is crazy. I feel so out of sorts each and every day. Nothing is 'normal' here. The only constant is that hot room - the 26 postures, the heat.
The room is where I find the most comfort here. I can go in that room and be free of rules, judgements, expectations. I go in there and I can simply be me. I do what I can for that given day - sometimes that means I work my ass off, other times it means I simply lie there, but either way, it's my choice, my practice, no one else's. It's ninety minutes of 'me time'. Ninety minutes of solitude. Ninety minutes where I can sweat everything out. Ninety minutes that allow me to regain my focus and move forward with the rest of the day.
I am still full of questions and lacking all of the answers - shocker, huh? - , but for now I'll just 'keep on keepin' on' and I think I'll also fix my hair and put on makeup today (for the first time in over three weeks - yikes!), in hopes that I can feel a little more like a woman and not an overweight, bloated troll...
I'll leave you with two quotes I heard this past week from visiting teachers that I absolutely loved :
"Always leave your students with their dignity. All they need is love."
"Never say no. Always say yes. Never limit yourself."
Until next week, namaste.